Please let me know if you see any areas where I can improve this query. Or if you like the original query on Query Shark better, LMK! All suggestions/comments welcome!
Washington Post reporter Avery Bonelli became Chiquita non grata when ex-CIA operative Logan Nash accused her of stealing national secrets. Two years later, Nash shows up in her apartment covered in blood, promising a scoop that will get her back in the big leagues--all she has to do is trust him.
Desperate to get her career back on track, Avery helps Nash investigate a terrorist bombing in Maryland that killed his father and thirty-two other scientists. When the terrorist escapes justice on a technicality, Avery looks for answers, and finds a conspiracy that reaches beyond domestic terrorism. Her investigation leads her to a group of CIA operatives who engineered the bombing to shield one man from an FBI sting--Nash’s father--chief architect of a next-generation biological weapon.
And he’s still alive.
Now Avery is hunted by people who believe she’s a threat to their weapons project and to the terrorist’s true identity. Caught between assassins and a dogged determination for justice, Avery becomes a victim in her own story. To stay alive, she’ll have to trust her life to Logan Nash, who just might turn out to be the terrorist she’s been tracking.
VICARIOUS, a 109,000-word espionage-thriller, can arm-wrestle with Mitch Rapp while matching wits with Lincoln Rhyme. It’s one of five finalists in the 2010 [redacted] contest on [redacted].
Enclosed is the first chapter; prologue omitted.
Thanks for your consideration.
Ocean Archer
Here's a link to some sample chapters for anyone who's interested: Click Here
5 comments:
I'd read the book...but I'm a Baldacci fan and this is the type of stuff I love.
Wish I had something useful to add, but I like it. (That's why the shark is still chewing at me!)
Yes, I love Baldacci too. His early stuff is great. Total Control is one of my favorite stories of all time.
Thanks for liking the query :) That's always useful to know that my work is resonating with someone.
This sounds like something I'll enjoy reading. I'll check out your sample chapters.
I think this one looks better, I think, because it doesn't have the same light-hearted, oh-yeah-I-guess-there's-a-terrorist-and-a-killer-virus-on-the-loose-haha type of feel to it, but on the other hand, unlike the shark, I actually liked that :-D This one is exciting, and I think the Shark would like it better. Have you sent it as a revision? It looks good to me, nice job! :-D
Rita,
Thanks for reading and for your feedback on here and on the Shark's blog. You're right about the humor being off the mark in the query. Those exact phrases do appear in the story, but in different context, which gives it a very different tone. It does sound too playful when lumped together with no context in the query.
Wizard,
I've decided that going for humor within a query is just too hard without it sounding forced. So I'm just going to try to tell the story, and let the humor surprise the agent (hopefully pleasantly). After all, none of my beta readers expected anything humorous, and most of them enjoyed it.
I have not resubmitted this version yet. I'm going to sit on it until November when I have more time to devote to writing. I only work about two months out of the year for Halloween, and I have very little time right now.
Thanks for reading!
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